
Have you ever noticed how hard it is for some people to apologize for what they did? People usually are hesitant to take accountability for their actions. Instead of apologizing sincerely, they offer half-hearted apologies, which feel more like blaming others or downplaying their wrongdoings than being truly sorry for what they did.
These people do that because they want to retain a positive image of themselves in their own minds. In this way, though, they damage many relationships in personal and professional settings.
Apologizing is a skill; unfortunately, not everyone knows how to do it correctly, which can lead to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts.
You don’t have to say, “I’m sorry!” to make amends. The words need to be filled with genuine remorse, a commitment to change, and accountability for your actions. So, let’s learn how to apologize the right way.
Superficial Apologies
Most of us are terrible at apologies.
(Or should I have said that most of us would agree that other people are terrible at apologies?)
Often, I’ll hear about someone’s “apology” and then listen to them marvel at how it wasn’t accepted. Then, when I ask a few questions, I find that they’ve usually done one of two things that negated their own “apology.”
First, they didn’t actually apologize for an action; they apologized for a reaction. In other words, they said something like, “I’m sorry if I hurt you” or “I’m sorry if anyone was offended by this comment.”
That’s not actually apologizing for something they did. That’s just uttering “I’m sorry” and then blaming somebody else.
That’s not an apology.
That’s what people say when they don’t want to apologize for their actions. This is a non-apology.
The second is they apologized for their actions but then tried to explain them away. They tried to apologize but also tried to argue why that negative thing was their only choice. This is apologizing for doing the “right” thing.
Our human nature—our need to preserve a positive image of ourselves—makes us pretty bad at apologizing.
But, if you’ve had a career for longer than a week, you’ve figured out you will make mistakes. The longer your career, the more opportunities for apologies present themselves.
Apologies done well are a powerful thing. In fact, they often result in others having an even more positive image of us.
The Importance of Timing in Apologies
Time is of the essence if you want to make things right with a sincere apology.
An instantaneous apology shows that you are really sorry for your mistake and realize it as soon as it happens. It also acknowledges how your action may have hurt someone else.
However, you must also assess the situation and the other person’s emotions. A quick apology may also sound dismissive or insincere as if you don’t genuinely care about their feelings.
If someone is visibly upset, give them time to process their feelings. But don’t wait too long, either. That way, resentment may build up, making your apology sound irrelevant or lose its effect.
You need to know how to strike a balance, which requires being aware of the situation and being able to read emotions.
Steps to Deliver a Sincere Apology
So, if you want to improve your apologies, assuming you’re actually remorseful, here are three big steps you can take toward a meaningful apology:
The first is to express remorse, to express actual remorse. You need to say, “I am sorry. I regret doing that.” Don’t apologize for your reactions. Just say sorry for doing it…and mean it.
The second thing is to accept responsibility. You do that a little just by saying, “I apologize.” But you could and should go even further and say, “I take full responsibility” or “I should not have done that.” Do not offer an explanation for why you had to take the action you’re apologizing for because that isn’t taking responsibility.
Lastly, and probably the most important, is to offer to improve. You could offer to “never do that again,” but realistically, that is hard to commit to. But I promise to improve.
Promise to try harder next time. Promise to reflect on how your decision will affect all stakeholders next time you have to make one. Offering to improve is demonstrating that you’ve learned from your mistakes.
You may also use this last step to offer to repair the situation. But you can’t always fix things, and when you can’t, the best you can do is demonstrate how you’ve grown as a result of messing up.
An honest, sincere apology goes a long way. But it needs to be (and be seen as) an honest apology. So remember to express remorse, accept responsibility, and improve.
How to Handle Responses to Your Apology
Now, we come down to the next step after the apology. Consider you’re the one apologizing. You’ve dotted all your “i”s, crossed all the “t”s, and apologized as sincerely as possible. What happens next?
How will the other person react to it? Now that’s something beyond your control.
Be open and expect a range of reactions to your apology. They may be angry, skeptical, or sad. They may stay quiet or be more expressive than ever about it.
However, the way they react, you should be empathetic and understanding of their emotions and thank them for understanding.
If they react rather negatively or are not convinced, no matter how sincere your apology is, here’s what you should do:
- Do not start defending yourself for the act.
- Listen to their concerns and validate their emotions
- Show them you really care about their perspective and want to make amends.
- Be patient and give them space to heal if they need it.
- Engage in constructive dialogue to move the relationship forward.
- Be prepared for all kinds of responses and respond appropriately to show your commitment to make amends.
Wrap Up
Apologizing is a way to acknowledge our mistakes and understand the hurt we caused to the other person.
But you need to have a well-crafted apology to really bring about change in the relationship.
Delivery, body language, patience, and openness to the other party’s reactions all have a direct impact on strengthening our work bonds and interactions.
Apologizing is no less than an art, and it’s much needed for personal growth and to maintain the health of the relationship. When we express sincere responsibility and remorse for our actions and commit ourselves to improving, we pave the path to healing.

About the author
David Burkus is an organizational psychologist, keynote speaker, and bestselling author of five books on leadership and teamwork.