What Leaders Get Wrong About Emotional Intelligence

We’ve been talking about emotional intelligence for decades now. And honestly? We’re still not doing it very well.

Daniel Goleman first popularized the concept back in the 1990s—yes, the 1900s—and broke it down into four key components: self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and relationship management. Since then, leaders have nodded along through countless workshops, flipped through slide decks filled with cartoon brains and empathy quotes, and then gone back to business as usual.

And for a while, they got away with it. But not anymore.

The dust has settled from the “Great Work From Home Experiment,” and most of us are now navigating a hybrid world. The lines between work and life are blurrier than ever. People aren’t just bringing their skills to work; they’re bringing stress, distractions, anxiety, and everything else from the rest of their lives.

And if you, as a leader, can’t navigate that minefield—if you can’t recognize and respond to the emotional undercurrents on your team—you’re setting yourself, and your people, up for failure.

What Emotional Intelligence Isn’t

When people hear “emotional intelligence,” they often jump to the wrong conclusions. They think it’s group hugs and office yoga. Or they think it’s about keeping everyone happy all the time. Or worse, they imagine tiptoeing around every feeling like they’re walking on emotional eggshells.

But that’s not it.

At its core, emotional intelligence is about recognizing the emotions on your team—and using that recognition to lead more effectively. It’s about paying attention. Noticing how people are feeling, why they’re feeling that way, and how those emotions are impacting their work.

Because like it or not, emotions drive behavior. And if you’re ignoring emotions, you’re not just missing a few soft skills—you’re missing one of the most powerful levers of performance, engagement, and collaboration.

Think about it. When someone is stressed, they don’t just feel stressed. They act stressed. They withdraw. They procrastinate. They avoid difficult conversations. Those behaviors ripple across the team and affect everyone’s performance.

But emotionally intelligent leaders don’t ignore those signals. They pick up on them. And they don’t respond by playing therapist. They adjust how they lead.

Emotional intelligence isn’t about coddling people. It’s about creating the conditions where people can do their best work—even when emotions are running high. Especially when emotions are running high. So what does that actually look like in practice?

Let’s break it down using Goleman’s four original competencies, updated for how work actually works now.

Self-Awareness: Know How You Show Up

Self-awareness isn’t just knowing whether you’re in a good mood or a bad one. It’s recognizing how your emotional state is affecting your team. Your team is always watching you. Your reactions under stress, your response to frustration, how you handle change—these become the template for how your team behaves.

In today’s workplace, where uncertainty is a constant, self-awareness matters more than ever. Because as a leader, you set the tone. Every. Single. Day.

Here’s the catch: research from organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich shows that 95% of people think they’re self-aware… but only 15% actually are. That means 80% of us are lying to ourselves about whether we’re lying to ourselves.
And teams that have to deal with low self-awareness? Their performance can be cut in half.

So how do you actually build it?

One simple tactic: keep a decision journal. Not a flowery diary with a tiny lock. Just a running log. When you make a decision—especially under pressure—jot down what the situation was, what choice you made, how you felt at the time, and what you were hoping would happen. Then, a few weeks later, review it.

Over time, you’ll start to see patterns. You’ll get real data on how your emotions influence your decisions—and your outcomes.

Self-Regulation: Pause Before You Pounce

If self-awareness is knowing how you feel, self-regulation is choosing how you respond.

Emotionally intelligent leaders don’t react impulsively. They pause. They assess. They respond with intention.

And in many ways, hybrid and remote work can actually help here. When a Zoom meeting starts to spiral, you can turn off your camera for a breath. When an angry email hits your inbox, you can walk away before firing off a reply.

The key is to build space between stimulus and response. And in that space, ask yourself one simple question: “How do I want my emotions to affect my team?” Let that guide how you show up.

Social Awareness: Lead With Empathy, Not Assumptions

Social awareness is really about empathy. And empathetic leadership isn’t just a nice-to-have—it’s a performance booster.
Research shows that when leaders show empathy, teams see improvements in engagement, innovation, inclusion, and retention. People want to work for someone who sees them. Who gets what they’re going through. Who knows that sometimes the noise from real life—kids, aging parents, anxiety, burnout—leaks into work.

Your job isn’t to fix all that. It’s to notice when it’s happening, understand how it’s affecting performance, and help people refocus.

Sometimes, that just means asking.

Not with a weekly survey. In your one-on-ones. In hallway chats or virtual check-ins. Ask how people are doing. Listen for what they don’t say. And if your team’s not opening up? Check your own behavior. You might not be creating a space where honesty feels safe.

Relationship Management: Don’t Just Interact—Connect

The final pillar of emotional intelligence is relationship management. It’s not just about being nice. It’s about coaching, conflict resolution, and communication. It’s about managing the emotional dynamics of a team in real time. And in a hybrid world, that’s harder—and more important—than ever. You can’t build trust with your team while checking Slack during meetings. You can’t foster engagement while multitasking through 1:1s. Your team notices. And those small signals shape how connected—or disconnected—they feel.

The most effective tool here? Active listening.

Show your team they’re being heard. Nod. Maintain eye contact—or if you’re on Zoom, look into the camera to simulate it. Paraphrase what they say before you add your own thoughts. Ask clarifying questions. These small behaviors have a big impact. They reinforce trust. They model respect. And they create a climate where people feel safe enough to speak up, challenge assumptions, and do their best work.

Emotional Intelligence Isn’t Optional Anymore

The workplace of 2025 is fast, fluid, and often overwhelming. And emotional intelligence isn’t some soft-skill luxury. It’s a core leadership capability. It’s how you keep your team focused in chaos, connected in uncertainty, and committed to a shared goal—even when everything around them is in flux.

So, let’s stop pretending a one-off training or a colorful slide deck is enough. Let’s get it right this time. Emotional intelligence isn’t just something you learn. It’s something you practice. Every meeting. Every decision. Every day.