How To Deal With A Coworker Who Hates You

Some people just have it against you. They always get annoyed and criticize your ideas, your dress, the way you talk or walk, and even spread gossip around you. 

When you have to deal with all of that daily, that can get draining. So, how do you deal with a coworker who hates you? 

Let’s find out.

The Power of Asking for a Favor

There are some coworkers you just get the wrong vibe from. You might feel like you could never win them over…or even get them to smile. They criticize your ideas every chance they get. They might even be the source of that unpleasant rumor you had to squash last year. Hate is a strong word, but when you think about them…they just might hate you.

It’s worth saying that if their behavior is extreme enough to affect the workplace or make you or a colleague feel threatened, then it’s probably time to have a formal authority involved. 

But if you feel like they keep giving you the cold shoulder and you need to warm up your relationship with them to get work done better or more easily, there’s a simple trick that can help, and it’s over 200 years old.

Ask a favor from them.

Credit for the favor tactic comes from Benjamin Franklin, who once told the story of how he won over a rival legislator who hated him and was blocking his efforts. Franklin learned that this particular politician had in his procession a book that Ben was interested in. 

So he inquired of the man and asked if he could borrow the book. It sounds bold, but it worked. The man said yes…after all, it was the polite thing to do. 

But the interesting thing happened afterward. According to Franklin, “We became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.”

Cognitive Dissonance

Psychologically speaking, Franklin was leveraging what’s known as cognitive dissonance. When our actions don’t match our intentions, that makes us uncomfortable. 

We have two choices to resolve that discomfort. Either cease doing the behavior or change our intentions.  In this particular case, because of the social pressure to do that favor for a colleague, Franklin’s opponent started to really work on his intentions. He stated, “I wouldn’t have lent this book to him if I was not friendly with him. 

Maybe there are positive qualities to this Franklin fellow.”

How Small Acts Bring Big Changes

As they progressed through their relationship, that small asking of a favor was actually the tipping point that set them off into a positive dynamic. You can do the same thing, whether it’s at work…or whether it’s that spouse’s friend who doesn’t like you (we all have one).

If you employ this tactic, you’ll want to make sure of a couple of things. First, you want to make sure it’s not too big of an ask because you want to make it very hard to say no. Borrowing a book is a great example of a small ask with big dividends. 

You want to make it something they could easily say yes to, as every decent person would. Second, you want to thank them profusely. Thank them before, during, and after the favor. 

Keep reminding them of that nice thing that they did, and let the cognitive dissonance go to work. You may even offer to then do a favor in return…it is the right thing to do after all. 

But the most important thing is to start with that favor, thank them profusely, and allow that cognitive dissonance to work.

The favor forces them to find your positive strengths; over time, you’ll improve your relationship.

How to Ask for a Favour

If you intend to bring change in your relationship with a coworker who is not your biggest fan, make sure the favor you ask is small and non-intrusive.

It should not be an inconvenience or a big ask. The essence is to find a moment of collaboration that they will find easy to say yes to. 

For instance, you may ask them for their advice or opinion on a related matter, like your presentation or a project you’re working on, so they will not say no and be more than obliged to help you. 

This way, you will make them feel they have power over you while actually you hold the reigns.

Don’t Forget Your Q’s

Once they have helped you out or done the favor you asked of them, express your gratitude. Don’t just say a simple thank you; make the interaction thoughtful and thank them throughout the project.

This will generate positive feelings and remind them of the goodwill the task created. You can also offer to reciprocate the same in the future to further mend and stabilize your bond.

Set Your Boundaries Straight

Don’t be afraid to set your boundaries straight with your co-workers. Of course, you may try your best to mend the relationship first. But if the coworker continues to remain unresponsive or negative, you should set some boundaries for your sanity and peace.

If you still have to meet with them on a daily basis, keep your interactions about work-related topics only and maintain professionalism, but excuse yourself if the discussion goes beyond that.

Setting boundaries will also help you stay focused on your tasks and responsibilities and prevent tension or stressors from affecting your performance at work.

When setting boundaries, remain courteous but assertive to make it clear that your prerogative is to maintain a smooth work environment.

Focus On Your Strengths

People who are bent on criticizing you can make you feel discouraged and question your abilities.

So, focus on your strengths. This will boost your confidence and keep you firmly on your feet. 

Continue to work and engage with other supportive colleagues to create a positive environment around you. Focus on your professional growth. 

This way, you won’t be as negatively affected by the few individuals. Remember that a positive attitude and work ethic can help you deal with many troublesome people.

Wrap Up

When it comes to changing someone’s mind about you, it will take some work on your behalf. These techniques work, but at the end of the day, some people will still stay a bit negative.

However, small gestures go a long way. Ask them for a favor that opens them up to you and express genuine thanks. This way, you can create a cooperative relationship with them.